A good caning takes some beating
By Allen Hall
cartoon re caning
Russian scientists claim a beating on the buttocks with a strong cane is the perfect way to cure everything from depression to alcoholism by releasing the body's natural "happy chemicals" known as endorphins.
Endorphins are produced in the brain in response to high levels of stress and pain that lead to feelings of euphoria, reduction of appetite, the release of sex hormones and enhancement of the immune response. They have a similar effect on pain to drugs such as morphine and codeine, but do not lead to dependence.
The scientists, headed by biologist Sergei Speransky, claim corporal punishment not only rids people of addictions but also helps overcome depression and suicidal tendencies, the daily Izvestia reported.
The scientists said that when caned, a person's body will release masses of endorphins, making them happier. The caning, they found, counteracts a lack of enthusiasm for life which they claim is the cause of addictions, suicidal tendencies and psychosomatic disorders.
The scientists, who said they have had positive results with people testing their cane therapy, recommend a standard treatment course of 30 sessions with 60 of the best, delivered on the buttocks by a person of average build.
They highlighted how, in the 19th century, German doctors had achieved positive results on everything from depression to pneumonia by caning their patients.
Marina Chuhrova, who took part in preparing the report, said of the 10 patients she caned regularly to test the results: "At first they didn't like it, but when they started to feel the benefits they kept asking for more."
The Russian team is now charging for the sessions, getting $A140 for a standard treatment.
Research by other scientists has suggested endorphins can be obtained by less painful means. Foods such as chocolate or chilli peppers can also lead to enhanced secretion of endorphins. Exercise, acupuncture, massage therapy and sex can also stimulate endorphin secretion, but the Russian team say none of those methods is as effective as a good caning.
Dr Speransky, head of biological sciences at the Novosibirsk Institute of Medicine, said you could eat chocolate, exercise then have a caning. "That way you can get a maximum dose of endorphins."